吉米鸡毛秀- 特朗普生日阅兵在“不要国王”抗议活动面前黯然失色

Thank you for joining us here in Hollywood after Game 5 of the NBA Finals on ABC between the Pacers and the Thunder.

感谢您在ABC电视台播出的NBA总决赛第五场后，与我们一同来到好莱坞，这场比赛在步行者队和雷霆队之间展开。

What a series this has turned out to be.

这个系列真是出乎意料的好。

Neither team has ever won an NBA title, which happens to make me root for both of them because I've never won an NBA title either.

这两支球队都从未赢得过NBA总冠军，这恰好让我支持它们两者，因为我也没赢得过NBA总冠军。

Have you geared them up?

你给他们装备好了吗？

No, never.

不,永远不会。

Not even one?

一个都没有吗？

No, I got hurt, so I quit.

不，我受伤了，所以我就退出了。

So that's your excuse?

这就是你的借口吗？

Yeah, that's my excuse.

是的，那就是我的借口。

This is exciting.

这很激动人心。

We're now one step closer to finding out which winning town, either Indianapolis or Oklahoma City, will host a much bigger parade than our president's G.I. Joe-themed birthday party this weekend.

我们离揭晓谜底又近了一步，无论是印第安纳波利斯还是俄克拉荷马城，哪个城市获胜， 都将举办一场比我们总统本周末玩具兵人主题生日派对更为盛大的庆祝游行。

Will that be fun?

那会很有趣吗？

So.

所以。

On Saturday, Trump had his much anticipated stupid sweet 16, disguised as a tribute to the US Army he bone spurred his way out of.

周六，特朗普举办了备受期待的愚蠢“16岁生日派对”，这场派对伪装成对美国陆军的致敬， 而他本人却因骨刺问题逃避了兵役。

After all the hype and money, somewhere around $50 million, it was boring.

在所有炒作和金钱投入，大约5000万美元之后，结果很无聊。

It was basically a $50 million version of when a five-year-old shows you every car in his Hot Wheels collection.

这基本上就像是五岁小孩向你炫耀他所有的风火轮小汽车收藏，只不过花费了5000万美元。

We paid for most of it, but he brought in some corporate sponsors, including the UFC, a crypto company, and Scott's Miracle-Gro, which is the product Trump uses on his head.

我们承担了大部分费用，但他也拉来了一些企业赞助商，包括终极格斗冠军赛、一家加密货币公司以及斯科特奇迹生长剂——特朗普用来护理他头顶的产品。

There were flyovers, there were comb-overs, the whole thing.

有假发，有梳背式发型，全套都有。

Generalissimo Ballpark Franco had more than 6,000 troops on call to march for him.

弗朗哥大元帅的棒球场有超过6,000名士兵随时待命，为他行进。

Like this.

像这样。

They know those things fly, right?

他们知道那些东西能飞，对吧？

I mean, that's... He's holding the pizza, like it's a pizza.

我的意思是，那……他拿着披萨，就像它就是一块披萨一样。

Who had the, uh, the pepperoni, huh?

谁吃了那个，呃，意大利辣香肠，嗯？

We got.

我们得到了。

There were some sweet moments at the parade, like this child learning to operate a bazooka.

在游行中有一些甜蜜的时刻，比如这个孩子学习如何操作火箭筒。

You know, after all his talk about how this wasn't a birthday party for him, it kind of seemed like a birthday party for him.

你知道，尽管他一直强调这不是为他举办的生日派对，但看起来确实有点像是在为他庆生。

They wrapped his new iPad in a flag.

他们用一面国旗包裹住了他的新iPad。

It was a lot of fun.

真是太有趣了。

It's a better birthday.

这生日过得更棒了。

It wasn't just, and they gave him a firework show on top of that.

不仅如此，他们还为他献上了一场烟花秀。

There's sleepy Don taking it all in.

昏昏欲睡的唐正全神贯注地听着这一切。

And in fairness, that's as close as he gets to be able to sleep with his wife.

公平地说，这已经算是他能和妻子同床共枕的最接近方式了。

So he took the opportunity.

于是他抓住了这个机会。

This is really good.

这真的很好。

This almost makes me feel bad for him.

这几乎让我为他感到难过。

Almost.

差不多了

So it's his birthday.

所以今天是他的生日。

And while there's no good reason for us to be paying to celebrate it, you'd think his wife might celebrate it, right?

而且虽然我们没有理由去花钱庆祝它，你可能会认为他的妻子会庆祝它，对吧？

They're married.

他们结婚了。

Well, watch this.

好的，请看这里。

Look at his hand.

看看他的手。

He makes a little move to lock pinkies and nope.

他试图用小指勾住对方的小指，但被拒绝了。

Known as the Slovenian snub.

被称为斯洛文尼亚式的冷落。

And then it was time for the man who knows more than all of the generals combined to show off his military acumen.

接下来，到了那位自认为比所有将军加起来还懂军事的人展示他的军事才能的时刻了。

The US Army has driven bayonets into the heart of sinister empires, crushed the ambitions of evil tyrants.

美国陆军曾以刺刀直插邪恶帝国的心脏，粉碎了邪恶暴君的野心。

beneath the threads of American tanks.

在美国坦克的履带之下。

That's right.

没错。

Don't thread on me, tanks.

不要惹我，坦克们。

It sounds like someone forgot to apply his flamin' hot fix-a-dent this morning.

听起来像是有人今早忘了给他的“火热修复凹痕剂”上涂一层。

There is no earthly force more powerful than the brave heart of a US in-free man.

没有任何力量能比得上一个自由美国人的勇敢心灵更强大。

Don't forget the in-free women.

别忘了那些免费的女性。

I mean, or Oprah in-free.

我意思是，或者奥普拉免费赠送。

She's good, too.

她也很棒。

And then Trump wrapped things up with a positive message of inspiration.

然后特朗普以一条积极的励志信息收尾。

Congratulations.

恭喜你

Congratulations.

恭喜你

Welcome to the United States Army and have a great life.

欢迎加入美国陆军，祝你拥有美好人生。

Thank you very much.

非常感谢。

Have a great life.

祝你生活愉快。

Thank you.

谢谢

Have a great life.

祝你生活愉快。

Like he and the army just broke up.

好像他和军队刚刚分手似的。

Have a great life.

祝你生活愉快。

Ahead of the parade, there was rain in the forecast, but nothing was going to ruin Donald's big day.

在游行之前，天气预报有雨，但什么也无法破坏唐纳德的大日子。

He wrote, rainy day parade, spelled with an E, brings good luck, which is what they tell the bride to get her to stop crying.

他写道，雨天游行，拼写时带个E，会带来好运， 这是他们告诉新娘的话， 好让她停止哭泣。

The turnout was much lower than expected, or as Trump would say, there were record-setting crowds.

到场人数远低于预期，或者说，用特朗普的话来说，现场人山人海，创下了纪录。

The bleachers, you can see, were mostly empty.

你可以看到，观众席基本上是空的。

The crowds were sparse.

人群稀疏。

There was not a whole lot of cheering for the tanks and military vehicles.

坦克和军用车辆并未赢得太多欢呼。

This tank was very squeaky.

这辆坦克发出刺耳的吱吱声。

This tank, this one could have used some of Diddy's baby oil to get it going a little bit.

这辆坦克，这辆要是能用点迪迪的婴儿油来润滑一下，可能就能动起来了。

And that is a shame, you know?

你知道吗？这真是一种耻辱。

The lackluster crowd saw it wasn't Trump's fault.

那不温不火的观众反应表明，这并非特朗普的过错。

And believe it or not, it wasn't even Biden's fault.

信不信由你，这甚至不是拜登的错。

The blame for this one goes squarely on the radical left-wing weather people.

这次的责任完全在于那些极端左翼的气象人员。

Last night was a tremendous success with a fantastic audience.

昨晚非常成功，观众也很棒。

It was supposed to rain.

本该下雨的。

They gave it a 100% chance of rain, and it didn't rain at all.

天气预报说有百分之百的降雨概率，结果一滴雨都没下。

It was beautiful.

那真是太美了。

And so I asked if they gave it 100% chance, right?

于是我问他们是否给了100%的概率，对吧？

100% it was gonna rain like crazy and it didn't rain at all.

100% 肯定要下大雨，结果根本一滴都没下。

How did they predict 100 years out and 50 years out or 200 years out?

他们是如何预测100年、50年甚至200年后的情况的呢？

They didn't do too well, the weather people last night, but it was beautiful.

昨晚的天气预报员表现得不太好，但天气确实很美。

Oh, sounds like he's about to start deporting meteorologists.

哦，听起来他要开始驱逐气象学家了。

Weather people bad, village people good, you got it?

天气预报员不行，乡村居民才棒，明白了吗？

Poor Al Roker's going to El Salvador.

可怜的阿尔·罗克要去萨尔瓦多了。

This was the largest military parade in the United States since the end of the Gulf War.

这是自海湾战争结束以来美国规模最大的军事阅兵式。

You know, originally it wasn't supposed to be that way.

你知道，原本不该是这样的。

Supposed to be small.

应该是小的。

A few months ago, Pete Hegseth came to Trump with plans for this parade that only included three tanks.

几个月前，皮特·赫格瑟特向特朗普提出了一个只包含三辆坦克的游行计划。

And you know, this is Trump's birthday, so he was furious.

而且你知道，这是特朗普的生日，所以他很生气。

Reports say he screamed at him.

据报道，他对他大吼大叫。

He said, three tanks!

他说，三辆坦克！

He said, I pull you off Fox News.

他说：“我会把你从福克斯新闻中撤下来。”

I make you Secretary of Defense.

我让你担任国防部长。

I stand behind you when you're accused of sexual assault and being a drunk and texting the war plans to a reporter.

当你被指控性侵犯、酗酒并向记者发送战争计划时，我依然支持你。

I do all that for you, and this is the tanks I get?

我为你做了这么多，就得到这样的回报？

Thank you very much.

非常感谢。

It's been wonderful entertaining you for the last 22 years.

很高兴在过去22年里为大家带来欢乐。

Thank you.

谢谢

God bless.

上帝保佑。

The much, much larger crowds were the groups of Americans gathered to protest Trump and his new deportation immigration policy.

规模大得多的群体是聚集起来抗议特朗普及其新移民驱逐政策的美国人。

More than 5 million people showed up all over the country, including in Philadelphia.

超过500万人在全国各地出现，包括费城。

There were huge crowds in St. Louis.

圣路易斯出现了大批人群。

There were 200,000 people in the city of New York.

纽约市有20万人。

At San Diego, 60,000 strong.

在圣地亚哥，有六万人齐聚一堂。

Boise, Idaho had a huge protest.

爱达荷州博伊西市举行了大规模抗议活动。

And then in Los Angeles, we had 200,000 people in downtown LA alone.

然后在洛杉矶，仅市中心就有20万人。

Many more in other spots.

其他地方还有许多更多。

I was at a, um... a demonstration in Torrance down in the South Bay here.

我在托兰斯南湾参加了一次示威活动。

There were thousands of people there, all peaceful, friendly, no trouble.

现场有数千人，大家都平和友好，没有发生任何麻烦。

There weren't even any police around, but there were a lot of very creative signs.

甚至周围连警察都没有，但有很多非常有创意的标语牌。

There are so many great signs.

有很多精彩的标语。

Like this, if Melania doesn't have to live with him, why do we?

就像这样，如果梅拉尼娅都不用和他一起生活，我们为什么还要呢？

You know it's bad when a straight white guy is marching.

你知道情况不妙，当一个直男白人也走上街头抗议时。

And you made an Asian stand in the sun, you monster.

而且你还让一个亚洲人站在太阳下，你这个怪物。

Nobody's eating the dogs.

没有人吃狗。

Trump has a mugshot.

特朗普有了自己的嫌犯大头照。

My parents don't.

我父母不这样。

I see the way Melania looks at Gavin Newsom.

我注意到梅拉尼娅看加文·纽森的眼神。

And you sucked in Home Alone 2.

你在《小鬼当家2》中表现得很差。

You know, it was 10 years ago today that Donald Trump rode down that golden escalator to announce he was running for president.

你知道吗，十年前的今天，唐纳德·特朗普乘坐那部金色扶梯，宣布他将竞选总统。

10 years.

10年。

That's longer than Seinfeld was on the air, longer than the Beatles were together.

那比《宋飞正传》的播出时间还要长，比披头士乐队的活跃时间还要久。

And imagine how much grief we could have avoided if they'd just run that escalator.

想象一下，如果他们当时直接跑那个扶梯，我们可以避免多少麻烦。

He made it go up instead of down.

他让它涨上去了而不是跌下去。

We would have none of this trouble.

我们本可以避免这一切麻烦。

But the presidency has been good to Donald Trump.

然而，总统职位对唐纳德·特朗普来说是有利的。

He's not in prison.

他没坐牢。

He's making a lot of money.

他正在赚很多钱。

According to his latest financial disclosure report, last year Trump made $57 million from his crypto venture.

根据他最新的财务披露报告，去年特朗普从他的加密货币投资中赚取了5700万美元。

more than $50 million from Mar-a-Lago.

超过5000万美元来自玛雅拉戈。

He took in $15 million in licensing fees from a property in Dubai, $3 million from a coffee table book, $1.3 million from Trump Bibles, and a little over a million dollars selling signed guitars.

他从迪拜的一个物业获得了1500万美元的许可费，从一本咖啡桌书籍获得了300万美元，从特朗普圣经获得了130万美元， 以及通过出售签名吉他获得了一百多万美元。

A man who does not play guitar.

一个不会弹吉他的人。

selling guitars.

出售吉他

And today, the fraudulent son took to daddy's famous escalator to announce what could be the Trump family's greatest grift yet.

今天，这个骗子儿子利用爸爸着名的扶梯宣布了可能是特朗普家族最大的骗局。

It's great to have everyone back here on Trump Tower on this very fateful day, 10 years later.

很高兴大家再次回到特朗普大厦，这是10年后的这个命运攸关的日子。

A lot has happened since then.

自那以后，发生了许多事情。

And we're here to announce something pretty special.

我们在这里要宣布一些非常特别的事情。

We've been working for a long time trying to deliver for the American people, for doing something unique for people who had been underserved.

我们长期致力于为美国人民服务，为那些未得到充分服务的人们提供独特的东西。

And today, we're here to introduce Trump Mobile.

今天我们在这里介绍特朗普手机。

Wow, thanks for doing that.

哇，谢谢你能做那个。

That guy will do anything to try to get his father to answer his phone calls.

那个家伙为了能让父亲接他的电话，什么都愿意尝试。

That's right, Trump Mobile, available for pre-order now.

没错，特朗普手机，现在就可以预订。

Now you can make your own perfect calls with Trump Mobile.

现在你可以用特朗普手机做出完美的通话了。

They claim they're made in the USA.

他们声称这些产品是在美国制造的。

That seems very difficult to believe, but there are some features inspired by Donald Trump himself.

这听起来似乎难以置信，但其中确实融入了一些源自唐纳德·特朗普本人的灵感元素。

For instance, when your bill comes, you can just not pay it.

比如说，当你的账单来了，你可以选择不付钱。

Even their website is ridiculous.

就连他们的网站也荒谬至极。

Look at this model.

看看这个模特。

The model, he looks like the actor who would play J.D. Vance in a porno.

这个模特看起来像会在色情片中扮演J.D.范思宁的演员。

Speaking of pornos, Diddy was back in court today, where the jury watched sex videos of his freak-offs.

说到成人影片， 迪迪今天再次出庭，陪审团观看了他那些怪胎们的性爱视频。

That had to be fun for the sketch artists.

那肯定让速写艺术家们很开心。

Could you pause that for just a second?

你能暂停一下吗？

The jury also got a look at texts between P's assistants that revealed some of the supplies he requested in his hotel room.

陪审团还查看了P的助理之间的短信，这些短信揭示了他在酒店房间中要求的一些用品。

So one of them, his chief of staff, texted Diddy's then-girlfriend to ask the hotel to bring up 15 bath towels.

其中一位，也就是他的幕僚长，给迪迪当时的女友发了短信，要求酒店送来15条浴巾。

15!

15!

Guys working at the car wash don't go through 15 towels.

在汽车清洗店工作的家伙不会用掉15条毛巾。

I feel guilty when I ask for an extra pillow at a hotel.

在酒店多要一个枕头时，我会感到内疚。

At another hotel, Diddy requested that his room be stocked with Gatorade, water, and chicken noodle soup.

在另一家酒店，迪迪要求他的房间备有佳得乐、水和鸡肉面条汤。

The Gatorade and the water were for the sex.

佳得乐和水的用途是为了性行为。

The soup was in case his grandma came over.

汤是怕他奶奶过来时准备的。

Bubby Diddy, he calls her.

邦比·迪迪，他这么叫她。

But Gatorade, water, and chicken soup, say what you will, nobody left those freak-offs dehydrated.

但佳得乐、水和鸡肉汤，怎么说呢，没有人离开那些疯狂的派对时是脱水状态。

The jury also saw a text from Diddy to his ex-girlfriend Cassie that said, want to celebrate Christmas and have a freak-off tomorrow or Friday?

陪审团还看到了迪迪发给前女友卡西的一条短信，内容是：想在明天或周五庆祝圣诞节并进行一场狂欢吗？

Which is, that is going to make for one hell of a Hallmark Channel holiday movie.

这简直就是一部天堂级的Hallmark频道假日电影素材。

Diddy did get some nice Instagram posts from his children on Father's Day.

迪迪在父亲节确实收到了孩子们在Instagram上发布的一些温馨帖子。

Guillermo, how was your Father's Day?

古利尔莫，你的父亲节过得怎么样？

Oh, it was great, Jimmy.

哦，太棒了，吉米。

Did you get any Instagram posts from your children?

你收到孩子们发的任何Instagram帖子吗？

No, no, Jimmy.

不，不，吉米。

Oh, man.

哦，伙计。

I got a lot.

我有很多。

What'd you get, anything?

你得到了什么吗？有什么收获吗？

Oh, I got a pair of shoes.

哦，我有一双鞋。

I got $25 from my mom.

我从妈妈那里得到了25美元。

And two glasses of tequila shot from my son.

还有我儿子递来的两杯龙舌兰酒。

Oh, nice.

哦，太好了。

His son bought tequila?

他的儿子买了龙舌兰酒？

Yeah, tequila shots.

是的，来点龙舌兰酒。

I got a lot of shirts with fish on them.

我有很多印着鱼的衬衫。

That's how it works on Father's Day.

父亲节就是这样过的。

You get shirts with your hobbies printed on the shirts.

你可以得到印有你兴趣爱好的T恤。

It's not really about the hall.

这其实并不关乎大厅本身。

You can say that again, Jimmy.

你说得对极了，吉米。

I'm sorry, what was that?

抱歉，你说什么？

Sorry, it's just that it was my first Father's Day yesterday, so I get all the jokes.

抱歉，只是因为昨天是我第一个父亲节，所以我觉得所有的笑话都很好笑。

I really get them, but they make me laugh.

我真的很懂他们，但他们让我发笑。

Oh, great.

哦，太好了。

Well, thanks, and happy Father's Day.

好吧，谢谢，父亲节快乐。

Thanks, yeah.

谢谢,是的。

Anyway.

无论如何。

I've just never been the same since the first time I looked into his little eyes.

自从第一次看到他那双小眼睛，我就再也没能恢复如初。

I mean, it changed me.

我是说，这改变了我。

Oh, what's your son's name?

哦，你儿子叫什么名字？

I want to say Megan or something.

我想说梅根或者什么的。

You want to say that your son's name is Megan?

你想说你儿子的名字是梅根吗？

Yeah, so I had no idea I had the capacity to feel so much love.

是的，我之前都不知道自己能感受到如此多的爱。

But it turns out, I do.

但事实证明，我是有的。

Wow.

哇。

I have a monologue to do, if you don't mind.

我有个独白要表演，如果你不介意的话。

Great, yeah.

伟大的,是的。

And my wife never looked lovelier than when we were expecting our little miracle.

我的妻子在我们期待小奇迹降临时，从未显得如此可爱。

I mean, glowing doesn't begin to cover it.

我说，这简直是太夸张了。

Oh, that's wonderful.

哦，那真是太棒了。

I'm glad to hear that.

很高兴听到这个消息。

I actually think pregnant women are hotter.

我实际上认为孕妇更性感。

OK.

还行。

I mean, that's good.

我是说，那挺好的。

That's enough.

够了

What, you don't believe me?

什么，你不相信我？

I'll show you my search history.

我来给你看看我的搜索记录。

No, I totally believe you.

不，我完全相信你。

No, I really do believe you.

不，我真的相信你。

I don't regret any verification.

我不后悔任何验证。

Take a look at this one, Jimmy.

看看这个，吉米。

I mean, she is about ready to pop.

她的肚子都快撑不住了。

Does your wife know you're looking at this stuff?

你老婆知道你在看这些东西吗？

I don't know.

我不知道。

We don't really hang out.

我们并不常在一起玩。

I'm going to have to ask you to leave if you don't mind.

如果你不介意的话，我得请你离开。

Well, that's just as well.

好吧，这倒也不错。

I'm late for Lamaze class.

我迟到了拉梅兹课程。

Uh-huh.

嗯哼。

Why are you going to Lamaze class if your wife already gave birth?

如果你的妻子已经生了孩子，为什么还要去拉玛泽分娩课程呢？

You sound like the security guard at Lamaze class.

你说话的口气像是在拉玛泽分娩法课堂上当保安的。

Did you?

你？

What about the baby?

那宝宝呢？

Oh, hey, they'll never learn to fly if you don't kick them out of the nest.

哦，嘿，如果你不把他们踢出巢穴，他们永远学不会飞翔。

Give them out, Megan.

发给他们，梅根。

See you later.

待会儿见。

All right.

好吧。

Happy Father's Day.

父亲节快乐。

Thanks, man.

谢了伙计

Yeah, all right.

好的，明白了。

You'll take care of Megan?

你会照顾好梅根吗？

Thank you.

谢谢