deep self reprehension

it is later of nighy but i still keep lucid on bed ,only can not forgive my behaviour on the duty ,how can i act as laddy-killer,more serously i  begin to disparage myself nothing but mob
i can not identify what is the genuine love ,will it realy decide my following fortune ,obviously both of us are unwilling to stay the remote city ,but no other way to come out ,the destiny tease the human being
youli is exellent and lovable ,i realy do not want hurt her feeling if possible ,i will leave the place silently if it is untenable for us to stay together ,espouse ,form a family ;who know how the destiny guide the route direction
i must confess a little vigilance against woman especially hurt by former female friend ,youli is my final station or not ?